



COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY HAROLD ROORBACH 



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A HAPPY PAIR 

A COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT 
BY 

S. THEYRE 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the 
Original Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Cast of the Characters, Argument of the Play, 
Time of Representation, Scene and Property 
Plots, Diagram of the Stage Setting, Sides 
of Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions of the Performers, Explana- 
tion of the Stage Directions, 
etc., and all of the stage 
Business. 



Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. 




NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



-r^*?**^ 



^ 



& 




A HAPPY PAIR. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



St. James' Theatre, 
London, 

March 2nd, 1868. 

Mr. HoNEYTON Mr. W. Farren. 

Mrs. Honeyton Miss Herbert. 

Time of Playing — Forty Minutes. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

Constance Honeyton, a wife of only a few months, while waiting for 
her husband to come to breakfast tries to pass away the time by writing 
letters and gathering flowers for Ferdinand ; and she remembers the time 
when he used to give her flowers and thinks there has been a sad falling 
off in his affection since their marriage and wishes that human beings, like 
flowers, could be united without all harmony being lost. But the loving 
woman determines not to think of their marriage in this melancholy fashion, 
imagines that her husband is pre-occupied about something, and resolves 
that their life shall still be couleur de rose if a woman's love can make it 
so. In the morning's mail are two letters for herself from Florence and 
Kitty Hayland. The former tells her how sure she is of her perfect bliss 
with Ferdinand, while the latter having read between the lines of her 
friend's last letter, tells her in a few energetic words of her confidence that 
her husband is the cause of this unhappiness, and implores her to assert 
herself, to treat him exactly as he treats her and not to relax until he is 
quite subdued. The loyal wife is greatly shocked and very indignant 
towards Kitty whose interference she angrily resents, and is about to burn 
the letter when Mr. Honeyton ill-naturedly enters the room. Then 



A HAPPY PAIR. 3 

ensues a scene of sulky indifference on his part in response to the affection- 
ate words and caresses of his wife which annoy and disgust him to the 
point of finally telling her that he married her simply to oblige her, which 
so hurts and enrages poor Constance that she suddenly realizes that she 
has killed his love by too much cherishing ; so she reluctantly adopts Kitty's 
advice and proceeds to pay him back in his own coin, which completely 
overwhelms Mr. Honey ton with astonishment and irritation. But the 
change of treatment is productive of a good effect until he finds Kitty's 
letter which has been carelessly dropped. That makes it quite another 
matter. He now understands the alteration in his wife's manner and will 
not allow such a piece of trickery to succeed ; so he acts the part of the 
loving husband until Constance joyfully throws aside her mask, when he 
hands her the letter with the assurance that he has discovered her table of 
rules, which plainly shows her the mistake she has made in assuming a 
part, and she now tells him that he has destroyed all pretended opposition 
by arousing the real feeling itself, and that henceforth she will not need 
another's direction but will speak her own words, stand on her own ground 
and cast duty and obedience to the winds. Ferdinand is thoroughly 
awakened at last and recognizes that his wife's anger is all due to his cold- 
ness and ill-temper ; and with penitent sincerity he begs her forgiveness 
which she is only too happy to grant. 

COSTUMES. 

Mr. Honeyton. — Neglige morning suit. 

Mrs. Honeyton. — Fashionable morning gown. Hair, a la mode. 

PROPERTIES. 

Furniture and appointments as per scene plot. Books, ornaments, etc., 
and thread in work-box on table, L. C. Breakfast and service for two 
persons, and jar of honey on table, R.; also five letters and two newspapers. 
Cigars in case on mantel. Bunch of roses for Mrs. Honeyton. Wide- 
awake hat (for second entrance) and matches for Mr. Honeyton. Fire- 
shovel, tongs, etc. 

STAGE SETTING AND SCENE PLOT. 

JVindorr 



'lrerl&ce 



Stool # ▼£a5y- Chair 

Chair BH Door 

Table 



Chalr% M 
*£+ Tahle 



4 A HAPPY PAIR. 

Scene. — Fancy chamber boxed in 3c Doors, R. 3 E. and l. 2 e., 
Mantel and fire-place, with fire, c. Window, l. in flat. Breakfast table 
and chair, r. Small table and chair down l. c. Easy chair and foot-stool. 
Carpet down. 

N. B. Set scenery is not essential to the action, and may be dispensed 
with if preferred. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The player is supposed to face the audience. R., means right; L., left; 
c, centre ; r. c, right of centre ; l. C, left of centre ; D. F., door in the 
flat or back scene; R. F., right side of the flat; L. F., left side of the flat; 
R. d., right door; l. D., left door; 1 e., first entrance; 2 e., second 
entrance ; u. e., upper entrance ; 1, 2, or 3 G., first, second or third grooves ; 
UP stage, towards the back ; down stage, towards the footlights. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book 
protected by copyright 





A HAPPY PAIR. 



Scene. — A breakfast room elegantly furnished — breakfast on the 
table at R., fireplace at back in the centre. Large window, l., 
sofa r. , table l. c. doors R. u. e. and l. 2 e. 

Enter, Mrs. Honeyton. 

There, Ferdinand's not down yet ! How late he is. I've had 
some breakfast, for I was so hungry I could wait no longer — 
written two letters, been twice round the garden, and gathered 
these roses on purpose for him. [takes some thread from a work-box 
and begins to tie them together) There was a time, five months ago, 
when he used to give me bouquets and not I him. That was before 
we were married, of course. There seems to be some dreadful 
principle in human nature, some horrid law, that the man must 
pay the attentions before marriage and the woman afterwards ; 
and the men have the best of the bargain, too, for I am sure in my 
most coquettish moods I never received Ferdinand's attentions, 
then, with a hundredth part the coldness with which he receives 
mine now ! O, there's been a sad falling off in him, a sad falling 
off, a gradual decadence, a decline and fall in his affections like a 
thermometer in an increasing frost. There ! {holding up the 
bouquet) Don't they look nice now they're tied together? How 
beautifully they harmonize ! O, the happy flowers, that don't 
change their tint and become something quite different directly 
they're coupled, as human creatures too often do directly they re 
tied together — pleasant flowers that can be united in this way 
without all harmony being lost. But I won't think of our union, 
Ferdy's and mine, in this melancholy fashion. Perhaps he's only 
a little put out about something — I will still be cheerful, and 
happy, and loving, and in time he must come round again, and be 
as nice and affectionate as ever. Our life shall not be so unlike 
the flowers but that it shall be still couleur de rose if a woman's 



6 A HAPPY PAIR. 

love can make it so. And he's quite a darling after all. O, [turn- 
ing to the table) here are the letters. Let me see [looking at them 
one after the other) For Ferdy, Ferdy, Ferdy, me, Ferdy. There 
they are all ready for him with the roses a-top of them ; and 
there's his chair, (pushing an easy chair to the table) and there's his 
footstool, [giving it an affectionate pat) and there are the news- 
papers, so now for my letter. O, from Florence, of course, [opens 
it) with a few lines from Kitty too. Now then, Florence first. — 
" Own precious darling of a Constance " — dear affectionate girl — 
"just returned from our tour in Spain — Spain is the most beauti- 
ful " — 'm — 'm — 'm — O, it must be lovely 'm — *m — 'm — O how 
charming 'm — 'm — 'm — Ha, ha, ha! just fancy — 'm — *m — 'm — 
" tell you more when we meet. I will come and stay with you as 
soon as you like — give my love to Ferdinand, and believe me " — 
ah, the dear girl. " P. S. I picture to myself your perfect bliss 
with Ferdinand, my heart tells me that you are indeed a happy 
pair." [sadly) Does it tell you true? [gaily) O, of course, yes. 
yes. Now, for Kitty. " Dearest Con. I have only time for three 
lines. I saw your last letter to Flo : and I am sure you are not 
happy." What! I'm certain I never said so — "gather this 
generally from your note." I detest people who gather things 
generally. " Now, darling Con., this unhappiness can only 
spring from one cause, your husband — married unhappiness 
always does spring from that one cause, the husband. I need not 
pause to tell you that I have felt certain from the first that your 
Ferdinand, whom, as you may remember, I did not rejoice at 
yourmarrying — " (No! she wanted to marry him herself) " — that 
your Ferdinand 'm — 'm — would turn out a tyrant, a brute, but let 
me entreat you to crush anything of that kind at once. Directly 
he shows the cloven-foot, stamp upon it. Prompt resistance is the 
only thing. Hold the mirror up to his tyrannical nature by treat- 
ing him exactly as he treats you. By our long friendship I be- 
seech you, by our sisterly affection, by all your hopes of happi- 
ness, don't be bullied " — (underlined dreadfully) ; " but be most 
careful not to let him suspect that you have been instigated to this 
course by anyone, and as you love me, darling Con., don't relax 
until he's quite subdued." But I don't love her after such a letter 
— it's shameful, positively shameful. Trying to sow discord 
between husband and wife, /forget my duty and my love? I— 
Oh, Kitty, I couldn't have believed it of you. [going as if to tear it) 
No ! tearing' s not bad enough, [walking pro?nptly to the fire-place) 
It deserves burning by the hangman, [pausing) No! I won't burn 
it yet — I'll — I'll — Here comes Ferdinand ! Perhaps, I'll show it 
him. ( puts letter in her pocket) 

Enter, Mr. Honeyton, l. d. He comes surlily to the front. 

Mrs. H. Well, dear, [he walks across to the window) Well, my 



A HAPPY PAIR. 7 

love, {he looks up at the sky) Breakfast's quite ready, my darling. 
{he yawns tremendously) What will you have ? {he pokes the fire) 
There are your letters, Ferdy dear. 

Honey, {grunts) Oh ! {tosses the roses into the slop-basin and 
takes up the letters) 

Mrs. H. O, Ferdy, I gathered those roses for you myself, and 
got my feet so wet walking through the dewy grass. Yes, I did, 
though somebody used to tell me once that my foot was so light it 
wouldn't brush the dew off a daisy. 

Honey, {coldly) What a fool somebody must have been — once. 

Mrs. H. {playfully) Why, my darling, you used to say so before 
we were married, you know. 

Honey. Have I ever said so since we were married ? 

Mrs. H. I don't think you have, indeed. 

Honey. Very well, then. It's plain I've repented of the false- 
hood, so you needn't throw that in my face again. 

Mrs. H. Why, my own Nandy didn't think I meant to reproach 
him. No, no {rising and going towards him with the roses) let me 
put it in his button hole {taking hold of his coat) and- 

Honey, Constance, for goodness' sake don't paw me about. 
Will you have the kindness to give me a cup of tea, and not play 
the fool ? I do very positively decline to be dressed out with flow- 
ers like a maypole, or a ritualistic church at Christmas-time. 

Mrs. H. {aside) O, he's erosser than ever to-day. {pours out tea 
and gives it him) Won't you eat anything, love ? 

Honey. O, no, don't bother me to eat. Mayn't I even have 
my own appetite to myself? I abominate having my meals forced 
down my throat as if I were a confounded cannon. 

Mrs. H. {sitting down and sipping tea) I've had a letter from 
Florence Hayland, dearest, {a pause) Such a delightful letter. 
Shall I read you some of it? {he takes up another letter) Shall I, 
Ferdy? You were so fond of Florence, you know, {a pause) 
Shall I read it, Nandy? {he opens his letter — she reads) " My own 
precious darling of a Constance " 

Honey, {to himself) Oh, Gibson's found me a pair of horses at 
last. 

Mrs. H. Did you speak, dear? {continuing) "We have just 
returned from our tour in Spain. Spain is quite the most beauti- 
ful country you ever beheld. The landscapes are of the most 
gorgeous colors, being principally " 

Honey, {to himself) "Coal black," eh? 

Mrs. H. {to him) What, dear? {a pause — she continues) "The 
pastures extending in rich luxuriance for miles, have all " 

Honey, {to himself) " Been fired." Hum! 

Mrs. H. "And the mountains are none of them " 

Honey, {to himself) " Less than sixteen hands high.' 



8 A HAPPY PAIR. 

Mrs. H. {to him) Eh, love? {reads) "The people are very- 
curious. All the men have " 

Honey, {to himself ) " Stringhalt slightly." Don't like that. 

Mrs. H. {to him) No, dear, of course not. And just listen to 
this, {reads) " All the women go about with " 

Honey, {to himself) "One white stocking on the near hind 
leg." 

Mrs. H. {to him) What did you say, love? {a pause) Isn't it a 
strange country, Ferdy ? And then she says— oh, here — " I will 
come and stay with you as long as ever you like. Give my love 
to Ferdinand, and " 

Honey. What's that you're reading? 

Mrs. H. Florence Hayland's letter, dear? 

Honey. And what does she say about coming to stay ? 

Mrs. H. That she will come as soon as ever we like, so I'll 
write at once and tell her 

Honey. Not to come. 

Mrs. H. W T hat, Ferdy ? 

Honey. Tell her not to come. 

Mrs. H. O, Ferdy, and you used to like her so. 

Honey. Do you understand me? — tell her not to come. 

Mrs. H. But, my dear, after inviting her so warmly. 

Honey. You must put her off warmly, too, of course. Be as 
affectionate as you like by letter — goodness knows you've affec- 
ionate terms enough at your command. 

Mrs. H. But you promised at our marriage, you know, that she 
should come. 

Honey. Oh, marriage promises go for nothing. 

Mrs. H. {reproachfully) Do they ? 

Honey. Why, don't they ? You promised to obey, you know, 
but it seems you never meant it. 

Mrs. H. Oh, Ferdinand, I did and I do. 

Honey. Then obey. 

Mrs. H. Whatever you direct, of course — I'll write at once. 

Exit, sorrowfully, L. door. 

Honey. Scarcely fair, perhaps, that last insinuation of mine. 
She does the love and obey business to the letter— too much a 
great deal. Simply sickens me with it. {reaching across the table) 
Ha, a fly got into the honey ! What ! you would go in for sweets, 
sir, would you? How do you like it now, eh? Something too 
much of this, I fancy. Look at the poor wretch, all glued up 
together, leg tied to leg and wing to wing, as vainly trying to move 
easily and naturally in his sweet bondage, as a married man, con- 
found it! Ha, ha! I can sympathize with you, sir — I understand 
your feelings perfectly. What am I but a miserable fly in the 
matrimonial honeypot ? Upon my soul, this perpetual billing and 
cooing like a couple of confounded doves — this everlasting pigeon 



A HAPPY PAIR. 9 

English, as the Chinaman says, of dears and pets, and sweets and 
darlings, is worrying me steadily and surely to an early grave. 
It's all very well when one's courting, and, for, say a week, perhaps 
after marriage — but to drag all this sweet stuff into your everyday 
life, to suppose that a man's ordinary existence is to be for ever 
garnished with loves and doves, and blisses and kisses ! — 'gad, 
you might as well provision a campaigning army with Everton 
toffee ! Pah, I must have a cigar to take the sweet taste out of 
my mouth. My vital spark can't stand this much longer. Where 
the dickens are my weeds ? Faith, if this sort of thing is to go on, 
the next question will be — where are hers ? Oh, for a little spirit, 
a little resistance even ; a little less treacle and a little more 

Enter, Mrs. Honeyton, l. door. 

Constance, where' s my cigar-case? 

Mrs. H. Here, darling, on the mantelpiece. Shall I pick one 
out for my own Nandy ? 

Honey, [to audience) Nandy ! My name's Ferdinand, you 
know ! 

Mrs. H. And shall I light it for him, as I used to do? 

Honey, {to audience) Confound it ! [furiously) Will you give me 
those weeds ? 

Mrs. H. [in astonishment) Ferdy ! 

Honey. Ferdy now. Plague take it, Constance, must my poor 
name always either drop its tail like a tadpole, or lose its head as 
if it had been guilty of high treason ? Must it always come limp- 
ing into the world, with only half its members about it like the 
statue in Leicester Square ? 

Mrs. H. A few months ago my Ferdinand would not have 
spoken to his Constance in this cruel — cruel way. 

Honey. My Ferdinand! I don't know Mrs. Honeyton whether 
you are designedly insulting me by speaking of me as if I were 
some one else a great distance off, by utterly ignoring my presence 
in your immediate neighborhood, but let me tell you that it is a 
figurative way of cutting me dead in my own house which annoys 
me excessively ; do you understand ? — which annoys me exces- 
sively. 

Mrs. H. Very well, dear Ferdinand, — I'll not do it again — I'll 
try to recollect. 

Honey, [aside) Still treacle ! Linked sweetness long drawn out. 
[seating himself, l. ; she stands at table, c. , behind him) 

Mrs. H. Ferdinand ! [no answer) Ferdinand ! [no answer) Fer- 
dinand ! 

Honey, [counting them on his fingers) Yes, now I'm curious to 
know how long you intend to go on repeating my name as if you 
were some eccentric ghost in a haunted house. That's three 
times. 



10 A HAPPY PAIR. 

Mrs. H. I was trying to attract your attention as I wished to ask 
you a question 

Honey. Be quick then, please ; my cigar's waiting. 

Mrs. H. Why did you marry me, Ferdinand? 

Honey. Ha, ha ! eh ! 

Mrs. H. Why did you marry me ? 

Honey. Why did I marry you ? ha, ha ! [rising) Oh, yoju showed 
so distinctly that you wished it — [strolling towards the door) — that 
I did it — (striking a match) — 'pon my word, merely to oblige you ; 
merely to oblige you, by Jove ! Exit, doorL. 

Mrs. H. (starting up) It's not true — it's — it's — a dreadful story. 
To oblige me ! when he begged and prayed with tears in his eyes 
that I'd pity him ; when he went down on his knees on the gravel 
walk, looking so ridiculous but such a darling, and vowed he 
couldn't live without me ; when he talked about early graves and 
blighted hopes, and blew first hot and then cold, raving now of 
fires and then of frosts, his poor heart always at one end of the 
thermometer or the other, till — till — and all to oblige me! It's a 
dreadful story. I've spoiled him. I've killed his love for me, as 
an over careful mother may kill her children, by too much cher- 
ishing. I longed to make my love the sunshine of his life, and 
now I find the weeds have grown and not the flowers. O dear 
Kitty, thanks, thanks for your timely letter. As my affection only 
repels him, I'll try what coldness and disdain will do. I'll take a 
leaf out of his book that shall make him detest his whole library. 
I'll pay him back in his own coin till he cries out for a reform in 
the currency. I'll be trodden on no longer without a struggle. 
The worm has turned at last, the worm has turned, (reading the 
letter passionately) "I have felt certain from the first that your 
Ferdinand would turn out a tyrant — entreat you to crush anything 
of that kind at once — directly he shows the cloven foot, stamp 
upon it — by our long friendship, by our sisterly affection, by all 
your hopes of happiness, don't be bullied." I'll try it, I will try it, 
but only for a short time. If it should fail, I will return submis- 
sively to my duty ; but if Kitty's plan should succeed, I'll — I'll 
give her — oh, I'll give her such a bracelet. It is a delicate game 
I am going to play but surely I cannot lose, as I am playing for 
love — only for love. (Honey outside l. 2 e. " Whiffins ! ") There, 
he's coming. Can I do it? Yes, I will. Farewell my affection 
tor a short time ; (with a loving look towards the door) my love 
puts on its mask and — (changing her expression suddenly) — Now 
I'm ready, (seats herself at writing-table , l.) 

Enter, Mr. Honeyton, doori.., wearing a wide-awake hat. 

Honey. Whiffins! confound it! where' s Whiffins? The grey 
mare has got loose and there's not a groom to be seen about the 



A HAPPY PAIR. II 

place. Provoking, being interrupted in one's weed in this way — 
where's Whiffins, d'you hear? 

Mrs. H. It's not my place to know where Whiffins is. 

Honey, [with a look of some surprise) It's your place to know 
where everything is that your husband wants. 

Mrs. H. Then I ought to know where his manners are, for he 
wants them woefully. 

Honey. What do you mean, Mrs. Honeyton ? 

Mrs. H. Take off your hat, sir, when you enter a room where 
your wife is sitting. 

Honey, [aghast) Upon my life the grey mare has got loose 
indeed ! [aside — after a moment removes his hat) 

Mrs. H. [aside) Oh, how astonished he looks, poor darling. 
There he has — bless you, Kitty. 

Honey, [severely) Constance, I find some difficulty in under- 
standing 

Mrs. H. The candor of that confession is the only part of it 
likely to surprise any one who knows you. 

Honey. Do you remember to whom you're speaking ? 

Mrs. H. Distinctly. It doesn't follow that I must forget you 
because you so constantly forget yourself. 

Honey. Don't reply to me in that way. 

Mrs. H. Don't speak to me in that way, then. 

Honey. Speak to you ! must I remind you once more that it is 
for you to obey ; that that's in the marriage service ? 

Mrs. H. And must I 

Honey. Hold your tongue, madam. 

Mrs. H. Pardon me ! [rising quickly and curtseying) that's not 
in the marriage service. 

Honey, [aside) Confound it ! How — how abominably — pretty she 
looks. But of course this must not be submitted to. [aloud) Con- 
stance ! 

Mrs. H. [forgetting) Yes, dear, [as he turns sharply) Well, 
sir. 

Honey. Mrs. Honeyton, I am unable to account for your most 
extraordinary behavior. Let me tell you Constance, that the duty 
of a wife 

Mrs. H. Now look here, sir! I won't be lectured — I simply 
won't be lectured, so you're only wasting your breath. I'm sick 
of your sermons ; your eternal preachee — preachee. Why, I 
might as well have been married to a Low Church curate. 

Honey. I wish to goodness you had been, then, to anybody but 
me. 

Mrs. H. Wonderful ! we think alike for once. 

Honey. What ! Do you mean to say that you regret your mar- 
riage with me ? 



12 A HAPPY PAIR. 

Mrs. H. And if I did say so, have I done anything but imitate 
you ? And if I imitate you, of course I must be right. 

Honey. Oh, you flatter me, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Just so ; imitation, they say, is the sincerest flattery. 

Honey. Well, Constance, I never expected to hear this from 
your lips. 

Mrs. H. No ! Why, it must have been quite a pleasant sur- 
prise. 

Honey. Take care, ma'am, take care ; you're playing a dan- 
gerous game and may make a mistake. 

Mrs. H. I've not in this case, at any rate, for didn't I follow my 
partner's lead ? 

Honey. But suppose it was all a joke, Mrs. Honeyton ? 

Mrs. H. What sir, your marriage? 

Honey. No, by gad ! that was no joke ; there was nothing to 
laugh at in that. 

Mrs. H. But it doesn't follow that you didn't intend a joke 
because there was nothing in it to laugh at, you know, Mr. 
Honeyton. 

Honey, [aside] How confounded sharp she is, bless her — I mean 
hang her ; I mean — [aloud') Why will you pervert every syllable 
that comes out of my mouth? You change the meaning of my 
words 

Mrs. H. Well, any change in them must be for the better, that's 
one comfort. 

Honey. Change ! I can tell you there's such a thing as giving 
bad change for a good sovereign. 

Mrs. H. And what represents the good sovereign, sir, if you 
please ? 

Honey. The affection that pours from my lips, ma'am — the 
undebased currency of sincere love — the undipped money of 
devoted attachment. All this is 

Mrs. H. The mere worthless coinage of your brain. Attempt to 
recall one affectionate word of your uttering this morning — one — 
one threepenny piece, even, of sincere love — one single coin 
which will not ring false and deserve to be nailed to the counter 
as a warning to bad husbands. 

Honey, [aside] It strikes me I'm getting the worst of it. 

Mrs. H. No, sir ; the circulating medium of your affection is 
anything but a golden mean, and the notes of your love-language 
are drawn on the bank of Inelegance. 

Honey. Mrs. Honeyton, it is useless prolonging this unseemly 
bandying of words. For me to set my wit against a woman's 
would be cowardly, to argue with her absurd. Wit and argument 
in my case are quite out of place. 

Mrs. H. And so they ought to be, considering what shockingly 



A HAPPY PAIR. 13 

bad servants they've been to you in the present instance. How- 
ever I'll relieve you, for a time, of my detested presence. 

Honey. Detested ! Constance, when you know that I worship 
— [aside) What the dickens am I saying ? 

Mrs. H. [aside) There shall be diamonds in that bracelet, Kitty. 
[aloud) Well, sir, I didn't quite catch the end of that remark. 

Honey. Perhaps it had no end, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Nothing more likely, sir ; few of your remarks have. 

Honey, [aside) Confound her ! 

Mrs. H. Well, good morning, I'm going for a drive. 

Honey. No you're not; at least, not in my carriage. 

Mrs. H. Oh, you're going to make the carriage a vehicle for 
tyranny, now, are you? 

Honey. Tyranny is not a word for a wife to use to her husband, 
let me remind you. 

Mrs. H. Not to a good husband, I know. 

Honey. Then you imply that I am a bad one ? 

Mrs. H. Ask your conscience, sir. 

Honey. I shall not trouble my conscience about the matter, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. H. I wish then your conscience would trouble you about 
it. But the inward monitor has, I fear, long since forgotten its 
duty. 

Honey. Ha, ha! In imitation of my wife, no doubt. 

Mrs. H. And for the same reason, perhaps, long-continued 
neglect. 

Honey. Why, what the plague — confound it! you'd provoke a 
saint. 

Mrs. H. Possibly ; but the present company, you know, affords 
no opportunity for the exercise of my talent that way. [bowing 
slightly and moving towards door, L.) 

Honey, [aside) Hang it ! this is getting rather unpleasant. To 
be on these terms with the wife one adores is — is — I'll speak 
calmly to her, quite calmly, [turning towards her just as she calls 

off) 

Mrs. H. Oh, Whiffins, order me the carriage. 

Honey. How dare you, you insolent woman ! How dare you 
defy me to my face, you, you — [rushes towards her — she bangs the 
door and leans her back against it) 

Mrs. H. Don' t make an exhibition of yourself before the servants 
at any rate, Mr. Honeyton. Don't let them overhear their master, 
whom it is their place at least to try to respect, giving way to 
unseemly fits of rage, and using language only fit for Billingsgate 
or St. Giles'. 

Honey. Upon my honor, now, I — I — but [snatching up a news- 
paper and throwing himself into a chair) it' s ridiculous my attempt- 
ing to argue 



14 



A HAPPY PAIR. 



Mrs. H. {taking up another paper and sitting down) So it seems, 
indeed ! 

Honey, {aside) Hang her! {aloud) What have we got here— 
{reads) — "Matrimonial Squabbles! " Ha ! ha! 

Mrs. H. {reads) " Barbarous Conduct to a Wife ! Outrageous 
Cruelty ! ' ' 

Honey, {reads) " Incompatibility of Temper! " Oh ! of course ! 

Mrs. H. {reads) " Prisoner a brutal looking fellow ! " Ah ! just 
like them all ! 

Honey, {reads) "Witnesses called to prove the infernal cruelty 
practiced by this woman towards her unfortunate husband!" 
Just so ! the old story. 

Mrs. H. {reads) " Poor victim deposed that her husband struck 
her on the head with a poker, exclaiming " 

Honey, {reads) " Forty shillings or one month!" Hope they 
gave her the month. They did ! Happy, happy man ! — for a 
month. 

Mrs. H. {reads) "Penal servitude for seven years!" Serve 
him right, the ruffian. 

Honey, {reflectively) Were it not for the protecting arm of the 
law, some husbands would surely long to change condition with 
the brutes. 

Mrs. H. {in the same tone) Which, in the case of some husbands, 
would be no change at all. 

Honey. So you call me a brute now, ma'am ! {starting up) Well, 
if anyone had told me yesterday that my wife would ever behave 
to me like this, I'd have crammed the lie down his audacious 
throat. 

Mrs. H. {aside) So would I. Oh, Kitty, Kitty, it's all your 
doing ! 

Honey. If anyone had said to me that my — my Constance was 
merely acting the affectionate wife ; that her love was all a 
sham 

Mrs. H. {aside) If he goes on like this, I can't keep it up— I 
must give way. 

Honey. That she would forget her vows of affection and obe- 
dience, and casting her duty from her, throw all her sweet womanly 
nature to the four winds 

Mrs. H. I deny it; it's a vile slander — I deny it, utterly. 

Honey. What's the good of your denying it when the facts 
speak for themselves ? Where is the duty which, as a wife, you 
owe to your husband ? 

Mrs. H. Paid, sir — paid, long ago — ten times over — and no 
receipt given for it. 

Honey. Pooh! Love and duty are not to be looked upon as 
mere marketable articles ; you'd make a regular debtor and credi- 
tor transaction of it, I suppose ; so much payment for so much 



A HAPPY PA IP. 15 

love, as if you bought it at a grocer's; or worse still, perhaps, 
money down and pay your own carriage, as if you dealt at a 
co-operative store. 

Mrs. H. In your present insolent mood, let me advise you to 
draw your illustrations from some source more congenial than the 
Civil service. 

Honey. All very fine, Mrs. Honeyton, no doubt, but if an appeal 
to love and duty falls unregarded upon your ear, I have no resource 
but to take my stand upon my authority. 

Mrs. H. Your authority ? [snapping her fingers) That for your 
authority ! Thus I trample upon your authority, {stamping, and 
happening to come down on his toes) 

Honey. Confound it, Constance ! [hopping about) Do you imagine 
that I carry my authority in my feet ? 

Mrs. H. [aside) Oh, his poor toes ! [aloud) Somewhere in that 
quarter I suppose, as you are taking your stand upon it. 

Honey. Mrs. Honeyton, do you know where such conduct as 
this of yours is likely to drive me ? 

Mrs. H. [aside) O, whatever' s he going to say now? [aloud) 
To the chiropodist's, sir? 

Honey. To the Divorce Court, madam. 

Mrs. H. [aside) O, good gracious ! [aloud) Very well, sir — to 
the Divorce Court be it — Honeyton vs. Honeyton by all means. 
But don't say I drove you there ! don't say that, you Blue Beard, 
you ! 

Honey. Ha ! ha ! if you think that the mention of that oriental 
hero is calculated to annoy me, you're mistaken. 'Gad, no! it's 
a compliment rather. Ah ! what a man he was — he knew how to 
stop a woman's tongue. 

Mrs. H. Yes, by cutting off her head — a nice way, truly. 

Honey. Mrs. Honeyton, upon my honor, I believe it is the only 
way. 

Mrs. H. Well, in case you should feel inclined to adopt it, you'll 
pardon me if I retire. 

Honey. One word, Constance. How long is this sort of thing 
to go on, please ? For if this is your way of treating me, why the 
plague did you marry me ? 

Mrs. H. Why did I marry you ? Why, you showed so dis- 
tinctly that you wished it, [mimicking him) that 1 did it merely to 
oblige you — merely to oblige you, by Jove ! [laughing, goes off L. 
door, imitating Honeyton' s manner — dropping the letter) 

Honey. She had me there, I confess ; she certainly had me 
there. But what an atrocious — what a direct falsehood. If ever 
there was a case of mutual affection in this world it was ours. 
Why, she was over head and ears, over bonnet and chignon, in 
love with me ; and, for my part, I — I — It occurs to me, do you 
know, that I've been a fool rather. While she was good and lov- 



16 A HAPPY PAIR. 

ing I did not appreciate it — I rather rejected it. If I recollect 
rightly I compared myself to that fly in the honey. What a con- 
founded ass I must have been! A fly in the honey, indeed ! 
{looking for the insect) By Jove ! the poor wretch has tumbled into 
the hot "water now. {picking it out) Faith, my friend, there are 
worse things than honey, ain't there ? And haven't I done just the 
same ; quarrelled with my honey and got into hot water as well? 
[picking up the rose and kissing it) I'll go back to the honey 
again, [sticking it in his coat) I'm just as much in love as ever I 
was, and I'll— what's this? {taking up Kitty's letter) Eh! O, a 
letter from Kitty Hayland ! She never told me she'd heard from 
Kitty. I always liked Kitty, she's a sweet girl, [reads) "Dearest 
Con." Eh ! hang it! what the dickens ! [reads to end, then reads 
it again) Oh, very well, Miss Kitty. Pernicious little mischief- 
maker ! I always detested that girl ; hated her like poison from 
the first. Ah! by Jove! I see it all. So Constance's behavior 
was — I understand — all a piece of acting, eh ! That makes it 
quite another matter — never do to allow such a piece of trickery 
as that to be successful. By Jove, I'll fight her at her own wea- 
pons. You shall see the engineer hoisted with his own petard. I'll 
act the loving husband till she throws off her mask, and then — 
Here she comes, {pockets the letter — she enters l. door) 

Mrs. H. [aside) I've dropped Kitty's letter somewhere, and oh, 
if he should have found it ! 

Honey, [aside) I mustn't be too gushing all of a sudden, [aloud, 
pensively) You appear to be looking for some thing, Constance. 

Mrs. H. Yes — I — Kitty Hayland' s letter ! [cautiously with a side 
look at him) I've — I've dropped it somewhere. 

Honey. Oh ! you didn't tell me you had a letter from her — I 
hope she's well, the dear girl. 

Mrs. H. [aside) It's all right; and he looks less cold than I 
have seen him for a long time— and he's put my roses in his but- 
ton-hole, too. Victory ! 

Honey. Let me help you to look for it. 

Mrs. H. Oh no, I couldn't think of troubling you. 

Hooey. Time was, Constance, when you wouldn't have called 
my help trouble. 

Mrs. H. Time was, when you wouldn't have thought it so. 

Honey. I don't think it so now, dear. 

Mrs. H. [aside) Dear! That is an advance. Oh, if he should 
see this letter, it would ruin all. 

Honey, [gas ing at her fondly) Constance ! 

Mrs. H. (aside) I wonder whether I dropped it out of my pocket, 
or what, [searching in various parts of the room) 

Honey. Constance, [aside) Hang it! why doesn't she attend? 

Mrs. H. (aside) Perhaps I left it upstairs after all. 

Honey. Constance ! (aside) Confound her. 



A HAPPY PAIR. l? 

Mrs. H. Yes, you know it's quite a matter for speculation how 
often you are going to say that; that's three times. Are we to 
have any more of it ? 

Honey. This treatment at your hands — hands that ought 

Mrs. H. There, sir, you need not abuse my hands. There's 
nothing to find fault with in them, I'm sure. You can't complain 
of your luck in that respect at any rate. You've thrown sixes and 
ought to be contented. 

Honey. Constance, I may have been to blame in the way in 
which I've treated you ; I may have seemed cold and neg- 
lectful 

Mrs. H. You don't say so, sir. 

Honey. Don't speak to me in those icy tones, Constance ; I may 
have been wrong, but don't trample upon me when I own it. 
Remember, as Shakespeare says, that the poor beetle that you 
tread upon 

Mrs. H. Well I never! calling my feet beetlecrushers now. 
[seating- herself on sofa, R. , and spreading her dress over it) Go on, 
sir, pray go on ; [aside) one or two other such speeches and I 
shall drop into his arms. 

Honey, [aside) Two minutes more of this and I shall smash the 
furniture, [aloud) Still determined to misunderstand me ? [placing 
a footstool near her, after vainly trying to find room on sofa by her) 
May I sit here at your feet? 

Mrs. H. You can sit wherever you like, of course, [aside) It's 
his proper place, as I'm giving him such a lesson. 

Honey, [looking tip at her and sighing) Ah ! [aside) Nothing 
like a sigh to start with, [sighs) Ah ! 

Mrs. H. [aside) How he's sighing, poor darling ! 

Honey, [sighs) Oh ! 

Mrs. H. [aside) Oh, dear! But I must hold out a little 
longer, [aloud) May I ask what those sighs are the prelude to ? 

Honey. Constance, I want to say three words to you. 

Mrs. H. Gracious ! is everything to go on in threes this morning? 
Three repetitions of my name, three sighs, and now a speech of 
three words. 

Honey. And it is so then, and I have indeed lost the affection 
that was my chief earthly treasure. The glory is departed from 
my life, and the love that I had regarded as pure metal is but 
electro-plated after all — the jewels but worthless stones — the 
diamonds those peculiar to Bristol. 

Mrs. H. [aside) I'm going, Kitty ; I'm going. 

Honey, [aside) Still unsoftened ! Hang it ! I'll— I'll shed a few 
tears, [aloud) Emotion such as mine may, perhaps, only excite 
your scorn ; you may sneer at these drops as unmanly, but the 
anguish of the heart is insensible to scorn and derision, [rising and 



1 8 A HAPPY PAIR. 

walking to the fire-place) 0> my widowed heart ! O, my Constance ! 
Mine no more ! 

Mrs. H. No, Ferdy, oh no, no. Your's still — your's always. 
O, forgive me ! It has been all pretence, all sham, all — [rushing 
towards him) 

Honey, [holding out the letter) Permit me ! 

Mrs. H. [with a scream) Ah ! 

Honey. Just so ! Miss Kitty Hay land's very facetious letter. 
If you will glance over it again you will find one admonition 
which you have scarcely attended to as in prudence you ought. 
" Don't let him suspect that you have been incited to this by any- 
one else, and don't relax until he's quite subdued." I think I'll 
have a weed, [strolls to the door, whistling softly, " See the conquer- 
ing hero comes") 

Mrs. H. [Just as he gains the door) Stop, sir ! 

Honey, [stopping) Eh ! 

Mrs. H. I confess that this letter was what induced me to treat 
you as I have done. 

Honey. Yes, thanks ! Happened to have discovered that for 
myself. A confession when all's known deserves an absolution 
when all's forgotten, [she tears up the letter and throws it into the 
fire) Oh! that's ungrateful! that's imprudent! Why tear up 
your table of rules ? 

Mrs. H. Because I need them no longer ; because I have that 
to guide me which is above rules ; because my resistance will 
need for the future no supporting hand, no directing voice — hence- 
forth it can walk without aid from anyone. You have destroyed 
the poor phantom of opposition by raising the very principle itself. 
This morning I was a mere puppet, an actress speaking another"' s 
words, moving by another's direction, but now I speak my own 
words, I stand on my own ground, and so standing, I defy you. 

Honey. By gad ! this is a different sort of thing, indeed. 

Mrs. H. When I said I married you for anything but love, that I 
took you out of compassion only, I said what was false, what was 
utterly false. I married you for love — real, sincere, ardent love. 
When I said that I regretted my marriage with you, that I wished 
my hand had been given to another, I said what was false again. 
I had never regretted it, never for a single instant. W T hen I spoke 
of neglecting my duty, of disobeying your wishes, I was acting, 
trying to cheat you into believing me undutiful and disobedient. 

Honey, [soothingly) Yes, never mind ; you did it so well, 
you 

Mrs. H. It was all a sham, all put on. I would not have dis- 
obeyed you really, for a kingdom ; but now I've done with duty ; 
I cast obedience to the winds — and the love of the girl and the 
love of the wife — [falling upon the sofa and covering her face) Oh, 
where are they — where are they ? 



A HAPPY PAIR. 19 

Honey. This is the real thing past all denying — my confounded 
coldness and ill-temper have borne their fruit at last, [to audience) 
You know I've been a fool, and a brute, I have — I — I — Constance ! 
Constance! I've been mad, cruel, wicked, anything you like; 
nothing's too bad for me. Pitch into me, do — get up and abuse 
my head off — do anything — I own all my faults. I've neglected 
you, treated you coldly, used you abominably — I see it all now ; 
but, upon my honor, I'll be different for the future. Won't you 
believe me ? 

Mrs. H. How can I believe you, when 

Honey. Of course, how can you when I've been such a villain ? 
How can I make you believe me — how can I prove to you — Will 
you believe me if I get some one to answer for me ? Come, now 
— will you ? Now, then, [to audience) who'll go bail for me — 
who'll promise and vow no end of things in my name ? Will you? 
I give you my sacred word of honor I'll be a model of a husband 
for the future. 

Come, say you will, say you'll assist me, do 

The welfare of this house depends on you. 

If you'll but back me up, I must succeed 

If you condemn me, we're condemned indeed. 
But if my faults you'll throw your mantle o'er, 
I win back all I've lost, and something more. 

Mrs. H. [coming down to him) I take your bail, [to audience) I've 

— many thanks to you 

Played for a husband's love, and won it, too ; 
But I'd another purpose, truth to tell, 
To win your favor. Have I that as well ? 
How shall I learn it, Ferdy ? 

Honey. Well, suppose 

You put it to the verdict of the rose, {handing her a rose) 

Mrs. H. Oh, yes; what fun — now then, "amused or 

teased " [pulling the leaves off one by one) 

They're pleased, they're not, they're pleased, they're 

not, they're pleased — 
They're not, they're [pausing) 

Honey. Well, proceed ; you can't retract ; 

Why don't you finish? 

Mrs. H. Daren't, and that's the fact. 

I simply daren't — I can't then, I declare, 
Turn the last leaf and read the verdict there. 

I'll to the fountain-head, come weal, come woe 

[to audience) Have we your favor? Answer, yes or no? 

Mrs. H. Honey. 

r. l. 

CURTAIN. 



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Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the 
use of Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

II. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe 
hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated - . 

III. The Make-up — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed. 

IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease paints in 
sticks; Flesh Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a 
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
anetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Cr&pe Hair 
ar>d Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. " OJd Man's" 
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' 
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache ; How to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose ; How to use the nose putty ; A 
pug nose ; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced in size. 
The Mouth and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth ; a satirical mouth ; a one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

TI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- 
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese. King Lear. Shylock. Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wigs and Hair Goods. 

Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

9 Murray Street, New York. 



